%20(167%20%C3%97%2051%20px).png)
The honest truth is that even the strongest marriages cannot fully prepare you for all the disruptions and tragedies that come our way. These challenging seasons of life can mean an illness, the loss of a relative, or the unexpected loss of employment; but it can also mean a natural disaster that takes away your primary residence. My wife and I have been through a couple of these hard seasons and although we would consider ourselves a strong couple – it was very challenging to know how to navigate those times. As we look back, it feels a lot like we were a big chunk of metal being pushed through a blazing furnace. Did we come out stronger? We think so, but it took the wisdom of a few people in our lives, as well as our faith to guide us through.
Your marriage can survive these seasons of life! As I coach couples through hard transitions, I often ask them to first describe or rate the impact of a particular tragedy as 1. Hard, 2. Harder, 3. The Hardest, depending on the circumstance. This first step helps them define what they are going through together, and more importantly, lay a foundation for common ground and common language they can use going forward.
The next steps are not in order, but can be part of a daily rhythm to incorporate and focus on as you wade through the immediate and secondary realities of a loss.
Invest in YOU
Take time for yourself. We live in a world that prioritizes work as the pinnacle of worth. During times of tragedy and stress it is critical to listen to your body, mind, and spirit when it tells you to slow down, breath, and heal. This might mean taking a day to splurge on yourself. Other examples of self-care are: exercise, reading a book, learning a new hobby, listening to a podcast, separating from social media, or meditating.
Recognize Your Differences
There are a host of personality inventories that outline the differences in how we deal with tragedy. The way one person copes and heals is very different from another. This is a good thing, and mutual respect in this area can bring a deeper understanding of grace in our marriages.
Be Honest and Upfront
Try not to bypass difficult conversation with each other. Men, in particular, are very good at hiding feelings and “moving on,” when in reality these tough conversations are helpful in healing and they release a host of feelings that, if held back, will come back later to haunt a marriage.
Find a Healthy Outlet
Hobbies, healthy habits, and routines are one of the best ways to weather the storms of life. Cooking, exercising, and journaling are great examples of ways to pour into something that makes you smile, and we all know that smiling leads to the release of chemicals that form a snowball effect of goodness in our lives. Dive into something that you love!
Seek Community
I have always said that we cannot fully embrace community until we understand positive dependence on others. Dependence on a friend, a small group, or a close relative is not only healthy, but part of how we were created. In the end, it is good and right to let others be there for us and carry our load once in a while, especially during times of stress.
Wait on Big Decisions
When your mind is clouded and consumed by a tragedy, it opens the door for fear, shame, and stress. We tend to make quick, rash decisions that can impact our finances, relationships, and our future. Taking a pause to invest in ourselves and our marriage is often the best way to practice patience during these times. In the long run, most decisions can wait a bit and often this waiting will produce the best result after a time of pondering.
Marriage is an adventure, but the roadmap is not a “one size fits all” model. As married couples, we are both responsible for and responsible to another person. During a tragedy, our marriages can actually be a place of security and stability if we recognize we stand on the shoulders of those successful marriages before us and take the advice of those that have weathered the storms and come out stronger.
