Coping with Loss: Navigating the Emotional Journey of Grief

In modern American culture, death and other losses are continually being distanced and removed from view. In the past, infant mortality was very common, life expectancy was shorter, and we lived closer to livestock through which we experienced loss. In today’s society we have removed death from our homes and placed it in hospitals, nursing homes, animal hospitals, and funeral homes. We also protect ourselves from the weight of other material losses through home, car, and renters insurance.

These protections are not necessarily bad or wrong, but if we are not careful they can cause confusion when we experience grief in its many forms. As we all know, loss is inevitable. This article discusses the common experiences of grief and loss to help gain understanding and normalize the process as we, or loved ones, experience grief and loss.

Shock, Numbness, Disbelief

The main symptoms of loss that occur first are shock, numbness, and disbelief. One of the reasons these three occur quickly is because there are several big and powerful feelings hidden behind them.

Hidden Emotions

Sadness is the obvious feeling behind shock, numbness, and disbelief. There are also feelings of protest like...

“This is not OK."

"This isn’t happening."

"No, this isn’t true!”

Yearning, missing, and searching also occur. You have feelings of wanting to call your lost one or missing that old house, even the things you loved to hate about it. This might also look like searching for the lost pet, putting water in the dog bowl, or thinking you saw them out of the corner of your eye.

Guilt

Guilt can appear in two different ways - things you wish you hadn't done and things you wish you had done. You can feel guilty for things you did that you now regret; whether it was a home purchase, moving to a new place, saying or acting a certain way you wish you hadn’t. You might also feel bad about what you didn’t do. This might sound like...

“I should have __________."

"I wish I would have said __________."

"I'm said we didn't experience __________."

Somatic Symptoms

Since the beginning of time, humanity has known there is a connection between the physical and emotional. Stomach problems, sleep disturbances, fatigue, and headaches are just a few of the somatic symptoms of grief and sadness that are commonly experienced.

Protect Through Control

We use both conscious and unconscious behaviors to protect ourselves. Examples include avoiding certain areas of town, becoming hyper-focused or resigned at work, displacing sadness by crying when we hear a sad song rather than crying at a funeral, and avoiding triggers that remind us of what we've lost. We may also attempt to replace what we've lost, such as getting a new pet after a previous pet passes away, and we minimize our losses by rationalizing them, like saying the house wasn't that good or that it was bound to burn down eventually because of its age.

Protect Through Distraction

We can distract ourselves in many ways. Some distractions are healthy, and some destructive. Many addictions can begin after a loss. Self-harming or suicidal thoughts are also ways to distract and avoid the negative or low feelings from a loss. Binging on food, T.V., shopping, and sex are also common. Experiencing a loss can also directly or indirectly activate past wounds from losses that still have “unfinished business” that needs to be addressed and grieved properly.

These feelings and emotions need to be attended to with the help of a mental health professional. As you learn to accept, pay attention to, validate, appreciate, and process your grief, healing will occur and you will increase your skills of grieving by developing a self-lead resiliency. This will allow you to attach to things, then lose them, then attach and lose; on and on as loss is an inevitable cycle.

Restoration after Loss

Loss’ counterpart is restoration. Restoration, like loss, is also inevitable. There are choices about new roles, relationships, and replacing material things. This is also a balanced way to help ease the pain and fatigue of the loss. Balancing between loss and restoration helps us avoid distracting ourselves, or experiencing emotional overload.

Like most things, loss and restoration are easier done with companions. This requires us to open up and share what’s going on “under the hood” and be wise about who is safe and a good listener. Some people will try to minimize and control because they are not comfortable with negative emotions. Seek out safe people and professional help if your particular journey with grief is challenging.